let go

I have this dream. In it all this awful stuff happens…and I’m fine. It’s not life-threatening kinds of things, but just the everyday, irritating minutia that usually drives me absolutely crazy. In my dream, I’m okay with all that stuff. I simply let it roll of my back with a smile. I take it to the feet of Jesus, lay it down and walk away. In my dream, I have learned to let go.

That’s not my daily experience, though. I wish I could say it happens like that all the time. In truth it happens maybe 10% of the time. That’s not very good. But it does happen sometimes. And by faith I believe that I’m moving in that direction. It’s going to happen more and more. Perhaps I haven’t learned to let go, but I’m learning to let go!

This church planting thing is tough. I’ve never had more of an experience where I wanted to jump in and do stuff in my whole life. Anyone who has been heavily involved in ministry can attest to the enormous stress. There are always hundreds of things that need to be done, but we simply don’t have the time, energy or resources needed.

And I’ve never been a lazy person. Ever. God has blessed me with a very strong work ethic. In fact, the opposite would probably be true. Quite often I’ve found that I have put ministry (the doing part) ahead of my family, my health and even my personal relationship with God (the being part). So, naturally, when we decided to plant a church, I braced myself for a whole lot of doing—a whole lot of stuff. But then the weirdest thing happened…God stopped us.

I won’t recount all the details here because it’s very long and probably boring for anyone besides my immediate family. The short of it, though, is that God told us—rather, made us—stop doing. He told us (and me in particular) to just calm down, relax in Him and just be. He’s teaching us to depend on Him and Him alone. He’s teaching us to trust that His plan for this church (and this world, for that matter) is better than mine. He’s teaching us to rest. He’s teaching us to let go.

Like most of the experiences of the past year, that directive from the Lord is a paradox. It’s exhilarating in the sense that we see His miraculous work. But it’s infuriating in the sense that we have no clue what’s coming next. It’s thrilling because we know that He is in complete control. But it’s frustrating because we know that He is in complete control.

I’ll bet that sounds familiar. Don’t we all struggle with letting go? What do we do about it? Well, I’m not really sure yet. Ask me again in a year or so. Until then, I’m going to keep trying. My gut tells me that I will instinctively reach out and try to squeeze the life out of something again. I’ll attempt to get back in control. But, in His grace and wisdom, God will lovingly and firmly put me back in my place and allow things to continue on in their beautiful, organic, unexpected ways. Today may we all experience a little more of God’s grace to let go.