growin' up

I feel strangely proud of myself today. That’s not the only emotion coursing through me, to be sure. But it is one of them. And I think that’s a good thing.

We had to cancel our gathering last night. Josiah has been feeling sick for the past several days. We thought he was over it until about 3:00 yesterday afternoon. I’ll try not to give too many gory details, but did you ever see The Exorcist? Remember the scene where vomit comes erupting out of seemingly every orifice of that child?! Okay, maybe it wasn’t quite that bad, but we definitely felt like we couldn’t have a group of people come into our home when we have an obviously sick toddler. Well, I just felt terrible about having to cancel.

We already had to miss 2 weeks in a row! Yesterday made it 3 in a row! Most pastors will tell you that’s deadly to a congregation. But what else could we do?! So, we put Josiah back to bed (he had been napping until “the incident”) and got on the phones. I called all those we knew were coming and broke the news. As I talked to them I felt so disappointed, but they were very gracious. Especially those who have their own children. They understood completely.

That’s when the proud-of-myself part happened. I did not break down into a pitiful heap and whine! (Unfortunately that’s been known to happen in the past when I don’t get my way.) I moved on! We cleared away all the stuff that was going to be used that night and I began to prepare some dinner while Carla had the joy of cleaning all the nasty clothes. Believe it or not, we enjoyed a great meal together full of smiles and laughter. After dinner I even got to play “tennis ball” with Josiah and Carla for about a half hour before we put him to bed a few minutes early.

I guess the bottom line is this: I feel like I’m growin’ up. Considering the circumstances, I think I handled myself pretty well. Compared to my past history of freak outs, this was great. For years I have longed to have a deep, inner sense of peace and joy no matter what the circumstances. This feels like a taste of that.

For all you Meyers Briggs folk out there, I’m an INTJ (Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judging)…heavy on the J. I am not the kind of person that typically handles surprises and disappointment and last-minute changes very well. I’m a planner—an organizer. I like all my ducks to be in a row. Don’t mess with my ducks, man! But God has been. He has intentionally and consistently scattered my ducks with His shotgun blasts. And this past year or so has been a good hunting season for Him.

But maybe I’m finally growin’ up. Maybe I’m finally getting it. Maybe I’m finally learning to trust in God, depend on God and rest in God. I’m usually really hard on myself (and others, for that matter), but last night and this morning feels different…in a very good way. I’m still disappointed we couldn’t meet. I’m a little anxious about next week. But I’m also excited. My Father is pleased with me. While that’s always true, I’m not usually pleased with myself. This morning I am. I’m patting myself on the back today. It feels good.