longing

In my faith community, we are currently talking about the transition from loving like Jesus to living like Jesus. Those are the first two elements of our mission statement (love, live, lead). And as we make that move from love to live, I find myself thinking about my chronic dislike for church in general.

In my estimation, it seems that most church leaders (at least in my Pentecostal tradition) put their primary emphasis on living like Jesus. Now, that sounds great from the outside, right? But when you get into it, it’s a life of guilt, condemnation and struggle. Most of these messages lack the grace, mercy and love of Jesus. They come across sounding like, “God is mad at you for doing this and that and for not doing such and such! If you don’t turn your life around right now you’re headed to hell!”

Isn’t that what so many of us believers have always cringed from? Don’t you think that’s why so many unbelievers resist the Church? Instead of hugging their necks, we’re slapping their hands. Jesus never said or even implied that we have to live like Him before we are loved by Him. Life transformation is His job and it typically begins after we surrender to His grace and forgiveness and compassion—His love.

On the opposite extreme, however, is a very liberal group that claims to be followers of Jesus Christ, yet look nothing like Him. They don’t resemble even a hint of the holiness and righteousness that we see modeled in the Scriptures. They allow basically any behavior, dance around very serious issues of sin and practice “tolerance” in the most blatantly immoral sense of the word.

Isn’t there something more to the Christian life? Did Jesus really die just so I would have the freedom to live any way I please? This life of “mine” is not really mine at all. It’s not about me…or any human…or any group of humans, for that matter! We don’t exist to pursue the American dream. And bigger is not always better. The way we live is supposed to be modeled after the way Jesus lived. And we are supposed to reflect the life and way of God our Father, Creator of the heavens and the earth. (That includes you and me, by the way!)

I have two longings deep within that seem to be at odds with one another. They have been with me my entire life although I wasn’t able to articulate them until college or beyond. And from the countless conversations I’ve had with other disciples of Jesus, they seem to be universal. I think we all deeply and powerfully feel these two longings. And we really aren’t sure how to handle them or what to do about them.

The first is a longing to measure up. I want to matter. I want to have a purpose and a reason. I don’t want to feel insignificant and small. I don't want to feel like an accident. I want to know, deep down, instinctively, that I am vital to someone, somewhere. I want to be important and valuable…priceless even. Basically, I want to experience true love.

The second longing is for more. I want to grow and mature and get better. I intuitively know that there is a higher and better existence out there that I want, but can't quite reach. I don’t want to make the mistakes of yesterday or last year or even of my spiritual predecessors. I strive and try and push and work. Basically, I want to experience true life.

Don’t those two longings seem to contradict each other? It sounds like I want to be loved just for who I am. It shouldn’t matter what kind of life I live. I am loved, period. On the other hand, though, I want more than that. I want to grow out of my infancy and develop into the man I have always known I was created to be. But I usually fall short. Which leads to feelings of insignificance and emptiness. Which makes me want to quit trying. It’s a vicious cycle, huh.

I think Jesus addresses both of my deep, inner longings. I’m still figuring out how it all works together. But He seems to be loving me even though I don’t measure up. He even helps me grow and develop and move on. He also seems to be urging me away from the good and toward the best. He has a higher standard for me. It’s not that He will stop loving me if I stumble and fall…again. It’s just that He wants the best for me.

Maybe God Himself has those two longings. We are created in His image, after all. Maybe He wants us to love Him no matter what. And maybe He wants us to follow His lead even though it’s hard and we fail a lot. Maybe the tension between the two is not only good, but necessary. Like a rubber band, maybe the two longings hold us together. Maybe it makes the whole thing work. Maybe…